Divided Loyalty (Foster Carer and Biological Family )

Divided Loyalties

A guide for foster carers on the best way to deal with a child who has conflicting loyalties between their foster carers and biological parents:

When a child enters foster care, they may feel a sense of loss and confusion about leaving their biological family. However, they may also feel relieved or safe in their new foster home. This can create conflicting loyalties as the child may feel torn between their love and loyalty for their biological family and the attachment they have formed with their foster family (Stein, 2012).

The child may also feel guilty about having conflicting loyalties and may feel as if they are betraying their biological family by forming attachments with their foster family. This can be a challenging and complex emotional experience for the child and can impact their sense of identity and belonging (Stein, 2012).

The feeling of guilt may also stem from the child’s perception of their biological family’s feelings towards the foster family. The child may feel that their biological family sees their foster family as a threat or rival, which may cause them to feel like they are betraying their biological family by forming a relationship with their foster family (Frensch, 2015).

It is important for foster carers to understand and validate the child’s conflicting loyalties and the feeling of guilt that may come with them. Foster carers can provide support and reassurance to the child, help them maintain contact with their biological family, and create a safe and supportive environment for the child to express their feelings and work through their conflicting loyalties (Stein, 2012).

Here are some ideas that may help :-

1. Understand the child’s situation: As a foster carer, it is essential to understand the child’s situation and the reasons for their conflicting loyalties. It is important to listen to the child’s concerns and to acknowledge their feelings.
2. Build trust and rapport: Building trust and rapport with the child is key to helping them navigate the conflicting loyalties. Create a safe and supportive environment where the child feels comfortable discussing their feelings and concerns with you.
3. Be supportive: Foster carers should be supportive of the child’s relationship with their biological parents, even if it is challenging. Encourage the child to maintain contact with their biological family, if it is safe and appropriate to do so.
4. Reassure the child: Let the child know that it is normal to have conflicting loyalties and that it does not mean they love their foster family any less. Reassure the child that they are not in the middle of a conflict between their foster family and biological family.
5. Communicate openly: Foster carers should communicate openly with the child about their role in the child’s life and the importance of maintaining a relationship with their biological family, if possible. It is also important to communicate with the child’s social worker and biological family, if appropriate.
6. Seek support: Foster carers should seek support from their fostering agency, social worker, or other professionals if they are struggling to manage the child’s conflicting loyalties. It is important to take care of your own emotional and mental health as well.
7. Be patient: Dealing with conflicting loyalties can be a long and challenging process. It is important to be patient and understanding with the child as they work through their feelings and emotions.

Here are some therapeutic practical exercises that a foster carer can do with a child who has conflicting loyalties:

1. Journaling: Encourage the child to write about their feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a journal. This can be a helpful way for the child to express their emotions and work through their conflicting loyalties. Foster carers can also use journaling as a way to monitor the child’s progress and identify any patterns or themes.
2. Art therapy: Art therapy can be a helpful way for children to express their feelings and emotions. Foster carers can provide art supplies and encourage the child to create artwork that reflects their conflicting loyalties. This can include drawings, paintings, or collages. Art therapy has been found to be effective in helping children who have experienced trauma and can be used to build trust and rapport with the child (Malchiodi, 2019).
3. Mindfulness exercises: Foster carers can teach the child mindfulness exercises to help them manage their emotions and reduce stress. These exercises can include breathing techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided meditation. Mindfulness exercises have been found to be effective in reducing anxiety and improving emotional regulation (van der Oord et al., 2017).
4. Play therapy: Play therapy can be a helpful way for children to work through their emotions and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment. Foster carers can provide age-appropriate toys and games for the child to play with, and can observe and interact with the child during play sessions. Play therapy has been found to be effective in improving emotional regulation, self-esteem, and social skills (Landreth, 2012).
5. Family therapy: Foster carers can participate in family therapy sessions with the child and their biological family, if appropriate. Family therapy can help the child work through their conflicting loyalties and can also help to improve communication and relationships within the family. Family therapy has been found to be effective in reducing behavioral problems and improving family relationships (Shapiro et al., 2012).

References:

Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. Routledge.

Malchiodi, C. A. (2019). Art therapy and mindfulness-based stress reduction: Working with trauma and anxiety. Guilford Press.

Shapiro, J. P., Friedberg, R. D., & Galowitz, P. (2012). Collaborative therapy with multi-stressed families (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

van der Oord, S., Bogels, S. M., & Peijnenburg, D. (2017). The effectiveness of mindfulness training for children with ADHD and mindful parenting for their parents. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 26(11), 3174-3191.